It’s been 8 months since my last post and look how time changed me already. As a Jogja-base researcher, I am struggling with writing in English for my final reports (both in UX and academically), yet I found it more ‘homey’ to use this language to tell more about myself–and my opinion. I don’t know what happen to me but working for digital companies make me realize how uncomfortable (and maybe–how worrying) it is to share personal things in this virtual world. Especially when I want to share about it in Bahasa. Somehow I encountered the awkward moment as soon as I typed the word ‘Aku’. It is disturbing how someone cannot feel safe in their origin.

Social media in Indonesia is hilarious; people are hilarious. I found it scary yet funny sometimes, how people disguise themselves on their Instagram or Twitter, let alone their real monster behind the fake accounts with numbers username. I’ve turned 180 degrees from myself 10 years ago–or even 4 years ago. I used to easily share anything I want to share (even if it is my broken heart story), capture any kind of trivial moments I go through, and freely have a personal conversation in the public comments column. Some of the record activity still can be found in this blog anyway. And then 2017 happens, political issues and the rise of polarization infiltrating every part of the society, including my social environment. The history repeated in the late 2019. I was amazed at how my single opinion could be offended for my connection in social media even tho I have nothing to do with them. Things in social media are getting out of control since then. I witnessed how someone’s life could be ruined in a second just because they share their opinion. I don’t know… I am not afraid to encounter debate sessions since I know I won’t make a statement unless I have knowledge about it, but as I am getting older, I found it useless. At least for my social life, I prefer to avoid any kind of potential conflict and useless effort. I guess I’ve already turned to what Soe Hok Gie called ‘a bitter realist’ person.

All these things unconsciously affect another aspect of my life. Psychologically, I feel like my writing is getting worse and I hate that. Unless something happened to the people closest to me (as birthday or wedding congratulations), I feel like I can’t write sincerely anymore. That’s why I stopped writing and hilariously blamed pandemic or my busy life in the new office. While what really happened at the time: I was numb.

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Last week our Product Team start an English for business class for each member and suddenly I found the courage and desire to tell people many things in this struggled language. I was surprised by myself and don’t know where it comes from but here I am trying to write again with free Grammarly-checking help. If I can maintain this habit for the rest of the year, then I guess this is the way.
Thus, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome me back.

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